Were they all planned?

I am expecting my 6th baby.  Compared to the rest of America, that's more than will fit in your car (plus 2 parents)! However, in my kids' world, our oldest son once told me we had a small family- compared to the rest of the families in our home school group. 

I have been asked many times if we "planned" our babies, and how many more do we "plan to have".  It used to be that I never knew how to answer such personal questions, especially when they came from people I hardly knew.  But God has planned my family.  He knew each of my children even before they were knit together within my womb.  So, the answer is YES, each of my children were planned.  Each one was planned by our loving Creator and given as a gift to my husband and I.  Have I been surprised by God's plan, at times, yes, but God's plan has always surpassed my own expectations.

We cannot wait to meet our 6th baby and see what God's plan is for this little soul!

Equal Rights, A Defence of Our Children

I find this whole social debate on marriage very interesting.  I have seen posted several times, the question, "What are the negative effects of gay marriage?"  It is a good question, and one that I think needs to be answered.  However, I feel like this whole debate is just a political charade.  When same-sex marriage is legalized in this country, we probably won't see much of a change....at least in the short term.  (Did I already assume that it will be legalized, I guess when I look to the past, I can see what the future holds, but I hope I am wrong).

We are already living the negative effects of the violations to marriage.  This is not strictly a homosexual or heterosexual issue, as it is being made out to be.  The violations to the sacrament of marriage began in the 1960s with contraception.  Then came abortion, divorce, cohabitation, and now gay marriage.  But it is really all the same, it is the break-down of the basic social structure, the family. 

A committed, sacramental marriage provides a safe and secure place for children to grow up.  That's the way God intended for children to grow up. Today it is rare to see a family with a father and mother who are married and all their kids belong just to the two of them.  So many families have step brothers and step sisters, step parents, half brothers and half sisters.  There is the phenomenon of "his, hers and our" children.  This is not stability.

The violations of marriage and of our children are many.  Divorce affects 50% of marriages.  Divorce has profound effects on our children.  I worked as a nurse at a call center, and we got many calls from parents whose children were suffering headaches, stomach aches, worry, etc due to divorce.  There were also cases of miscommunication between parents, one parent didn't know if the other had already given a medication, the child, then either missed a dose or was over-medicated.  I have heard from many of my friends whose parents were divorced about how much they hated being shuffled back and forth between houses and sometimes even between states!

What about co-habitation of heterosexual couples?  Many couples like to trial marriage first, they want to live together to be sure they are compatible before they get married.  Or maybe they have no plans of getting married at all.  They just enjoy living together.  What happens then, when they get pregnant?  Now, they are in an uncommitted relationship.  They may decide to get married, or may not.  This is less than the ideal situation for a child, as their parents aren't committed, one or the other could leave at any time.  I encountered a women one time, who had 10 children with 10 different fathers.  This does not provide a sense of security.

Now for couples in same-sex relationships.  Aren't most of them living the way they want to anyway?  If they so desire, they are already living together and acting like a married couple.  Same-sex couples are even defying nature to have children!  This is why I say that the negative consequences are already being lived in society.  This debate won't change much for the short term.  I think that there are consequences to the technology that is used to acquire children for same-sex couples.  It is unnatural and will leave most children with many questions as to where they came from, who their real parents are, and where do they belong in society?  Even for same-sex couples who adopt children, there is still the unbalance of being raised by two people of the same gender.  I met someone once who, in a heterosexual relationship, used IVF to get pregnant.  They had 3 embryos implanted and (I'm not sure if they selectively "reduced" the pregnancy or if 2 of them died on their own) only 1 survived.  When their daughter was old enough to talk she started asking about the other two.  At first the parents were confused, but as their daughter learned more words, she started asking about her 2 sisters, "the ones that were with her before".  She never gave up on the idea and to this day, has 2 imaginary friends, who are her sisters and even have names.  Our actions have consequences.  We cannot fool God, even with the most advanced technology.

What are the negative effects of same-sex marriage?  We are already living them in our society, they are the same negative effects of every violation of marriage that we have already seen.  Are children resilient? Yes, they do tend to cope with things quite well.  But, I have to wonder, if every child had the opportunity to grow up within a marriage, with a mother and father who lived together and loved each other, would we see as many school shootings and random acts of violence?  Would teen suicide rates be so high?  Am I stretching it too far?  Only time will tell.

Natural Family....Planning?

"What's in a name?  That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet."  Maybe Shakespeare has it right, but I don't really like the term "Natural Family Planning".  Don't get me wrong, I am an advocate of using a woman's fertility signs to determine fertility to either try to achieve or avoid pregnancy, it is only the name I dislike.  Natural Family Planning sounds too much like Catholic Contraception.

I just don't think that we (humans) should be doing all the planning.  I have found that so many times in my life, I have made plans, but God had something different in mind.  I worry more than I should, and trusting God completely has been something that I have had to work on for many years.  It is difficult to take that leap of faith, to "let go and let God."  There are just some things though, that cannot be planned, but God in his wisdom allows them to happen. No one plans infertility, for example.  I have known several Catholic couples who planned to have children, and even thought they might have many children, only to discover that no matter how well they charted and planned, pregnancy was never achieved.  And even when we do get it "right", there is still the possibility of a pregnancy that ends in miscarriage or stillbirth.  What about unplanned pregnancies?  Are they a mistake?  Did NFP fail?  Has Planned Parenthood has sold the lie to Catholics as well; we are always in control, we can choose exactly when we will have 'X' number of children, and there will be no surprises.  But, does each pregnancy that a woman has need to have been planned ahead of time?

I like to think of Fertility Awareness.  For some reason I seem to hear this term more often in secular circles.  But I feel that Fertility Awareness accepts and respects a woman's fertility.  It is good for women/couple's to be aware of their fertility. Our fertility is a gift from God, and He has given us the knowledge of how a woman's cycle works.  We can then use this knowledge to try to achieve or even avoid pregnancy.    In my own marriage there have been times that we felt we needed to avoid pregnancy, but then there were other times when we were just open to God's will, not necessarily planning to get pregnant.  Every act of intercourse during the fertile time of a woman's cycle does not equal pregnancy (although many times it does). 

I wish that the Church would promote a more God centered Fertility Awareness model rather than a woman or couple centered Planning model.  Catholics, let us learn to trust our gift of fertility back to the God who gave it to us. 

A Lesson In Birthing

I went to a birth earlier this week for a doula client, Sarah*.  It was her first baby and she was hoping to have a natural birth.  Sarah called me in the morning and told told me that she had lost her mucus plug and that maybe her water had broken.  She also called her OB's office and was told her to come to the office to get checked to see if her water was broken or not.  She had been laboring comfortably at home with contractions every 5 minutes or so and didn't feel like she needed my (doula) support yet.  I was wondering how this trip to the office was going to affect her labor.  I also had a feeling that she would be talked into going right to the hospital and not given the opportunity to labor at home the way she had wanted.

I got a call back from her a little while later and she told me that she was 5 cm, that her water was broken and she was being admitted to the hospital.  I was a little surprised to hear that she was already 5cm, but was not surprised that she was told to go right to the hospital.  So, I got ready and met her at the hospital.  When I arrived she was having frequent contractions and they were enough to catch her breath, but I could tell they weren't as intense as I've seen with some other women at 5cm.  Within about an hour of my arrival her contractions changed and got much more intense.

After I had been there for about 2 hours her OB came in and wanted to check her cervix.  She agreed only to be disappointed that she "was still only 5 cm".  Then her OB sat down and began the talk....(ya know, when someone tells you, "we have to talk", it's never the talk you want it to be).  I knew just what was coming.  Things weren't progressing, it had been 4 hours with no change.  It was time to think about "active management" because her labor was "dysfunctional".  He even pointed out on the monitor how her contractions weren't regular, they were coupled together with a larger space in between.  Before the doctor left the room, I asked him what position he thought the baby was in. He told me he wasn't sure, but thought ROA, baby facing mom's back, with baby's back tilted to mom's right.  The doctor and nurse left the room to let my client and her husband think about what they wanted to do, to start pitocin (which is what her OB strongly recommended) or she could have some more time.  By this time Sarah was having very strong contractions, she felt that if they were any more intense she wouldn't be able to handle them, so the thought of pitocin which would only intensify things more scared her.  While I was listening to her OB talk about active management and dysfunctional labor, there were two little things that he slipped in that I almost missed!  Shortly after I arrived her OB had peeked in and said hello, mentioning that she was doing really well for being 4-5cm.  Also, when he checked her again (4 hours after the initial check at the office) he said, "You're still 5, well 5-6."  I reminded Sarah of this, that at the office she was 4 to 5 cm and now she was 5 to 6cm. Even though she was being told that she was still 5, there was still some change. She also had a big disruption to her labor in the last 4 hours, she left her home, went to the doctor's office and then was admitted to the hospital.  I had only witnessed about 1 hour of intense contractions.  To me this was perfectly normal, not dysfunctional.  I'm willing to bet she didn't do much dilating at all during all that transition time from home to office to hospital.  And what about those coupled contractions?  We decided to try some time on her hands and knees to see if that might help baby to find a better position.

About an hour and a half or 2 hours after "the talk", and after Sarah had spent time on her hands and knees and then standing and leaning forward, she was feeling a lot of pressure down low.  We told her nurse, who told the doctor.  He came back in the room to check her but this time instead of wearing scrubs, he had changed back into his shirt and tie, he was actually getting ready to leave the hospital since Sarah had decided against pitocin.  He checked her and to his surprise, she was 8 cm. he looked right at me, and said, "Did you do this?"  I just shrugged my shoulders and pointed to Sarah, for she had done all the work.  Her baby was born 4 hours after she had been told that her labor was dysfunctional.

Here's a lesson or two in birthing: vaginal exams are relative, four to five centimeters and five to six centimeters might both be called 5.   Disruptions like traveling to the hospital and office visits can hinder labor progress.  Dysfunctional labor patterns could be a sign that baby needs a new position or mom needs a new position. Most importantly, moms needs encouragement while they are in labor, not to be told that their labor is dysfunctional.  Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing.


Interesting article on back labor and positioning:
http://www.midwiferytoday.com/articles/paininback.asp



*not her real name

Football

Football has been on the TV all afternoon.  I have to admit I enjoy a good game.  My boys are getting old enough now that they are learning the rules of the game and also enjoying spending some time with Dad watching the game.  Here's the problem I have though, the commercials!  I was just in the kitchen listening to my husband telling our boys to close their eyes several times during one commercial break.  I don't think that there is whole entire commercial break that doesn't have at least one offending commercial.  They are hardly 'G' rated.  Even the pre-view for the Superbowl halftime show had too much nudity in my opinion.  I suppose the commercials speak for our culture, violent, sexual, and inappropriate.  It sad to me that something innocent like watching a sports game is ruined by inappropriate commercials.